Random Jokes

[Chrisbo]

Whats the difference bewteen Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face

lolzZzZzzZZZzzZZZzZZZzzzzZzZZzZZZzz     good one

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

****************************************************************

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.

Naked women are running around inside and it looks like hes just had the mother of all party's.

The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"

To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

*****************************************************************

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

[Martin]

Hahahha good ones Chrisbo

[DeftonesATF27]

Bob I have somthing to tell you, I nailed your wife. 3 times bob. She said you never went 3 times bob.

[DeftonesATF27]

In the news today a man shot and killed his Wife, 2 kids, their dog, his mom and dad and the mailman, he claimed he was cleaning his gun and it suddenly went off.

[Chrisbo]

In the news today a man shot and killed his Wife, 2 kids, their dog, his mom and dad and the mailman, he claimed he was cleaning his gun and it suddenly went off.

What a clumsy guy!

**************************************************************

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

*************************************************************

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as she looked him up and down seductively.

"Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

***************************************************************

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.

The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

[Martin]

Good jokes Chrisbo

[tarkil]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.

The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

ha ha ha ah ha ha... great one !!!

[Chrisbo]

Hehehe yeah! 

[c4 LoveLetter]

lol wow... where do i start.. umm how many jews can you fit ina car...?
2 in the front, 3 in the back and a million in the ash tray... o_o

ummm why are japanese people's eye squinted??
because they still arent used to the blast!

why is it that your turds are always tapered at the end...
so youre asshole doesnt slam shut.

heehawww, hope you enjoied it... the more cruel/horrible the joke, the better (my philosphy)

[Assassin]

That's quite a 'philosophy' you have there. Congratulations, you managed to be crude, insensitive and racially discriminate, all in the space of just 3 'jokes'.

[DeftonesATF27]

That's quite a 'philosophy' you have there. Congratulations, you managed to be crude, insensitive and racially discriminate, all in the space of just 3 'jokes'.

all 3 of those things you just mentioned would make you a millionare here in real life as a stand up comedian or even an actor.

[wifeparty]

lol wow... where do i start.. umm how many jews can you fit ina car...?
2 in the front, 3 in the back and a million in the ash tray... o_o

ummm why are japanese people's eye squinted??
because they still arent used to the blast!

why is it that your turds are always tapered at the end...
so youre asshole doesnt slam shut.

heehawww, hope you enjoied it... the more cruel/horrible the joke, the better (my philosphy)

I can go a couple worse;
Whats the difference between a jew and an apple pie?
An Apple pie doesn't scream when put in the oven

How do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

[Assassin]

How do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

I'm disgusted with myself - because that actually made me laugh out loud.

[wifeparty]

How do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

I'm disgusted with myself - because that actually made me laugh out loud.

theres heaps more
whats blue and shakes?
a baby in a plastic bag

[Chrisbo]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."

********************************************************

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

***********************************************************

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.

He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.

The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."

**************************************************

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"

Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."

"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.

"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[tarkil]

ha ha some good ones in there bro...

[tarkil]

Old but still fun :


This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights.

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave... without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

GRINDCORE:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

EMOCORE:
The protagonists' mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughes at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.

PUNK:
The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as "monarchist cunt" and "commerce bitch" and leaves the castle in a black maria.

PORNO GRIND:
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the dragon's and princess's remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly for a few minutes. Then he leaves.

POP ROCK:
The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mum who is a big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married.

GOTHIC METAL:
The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon untill it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.

METALCORE:
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine.

SEVENTIES METAL:

Protagonist arrives in a Datsun wearing bell bottom pants.  Protagonist asks dragon how to get better gas mileage because of the gas crisis.  Dragon spews flame at protagonist who avoids it.  Protagonist asks 'What do you think I am, an Iron Man?'  Dragon tries again and fails.  Protagonist kills dragon and drives his car on top of the carcass.  Protagonist says to the corpse 'Now you're Under My Wheels'.  Protagonist rescues princess.  Princess asks protagonist what he wants to do and he says 'I'm 18.  I don't know what I want.'

EIGHTIES METAL:

Protagonist arrives in a Ferrari Testarossa.  Dragon wonders why protagonist can't get a haircut.  Protagonist slays dragon, rescues the princess and takes her to McDonald's to get a McDLT.

NINETIES METAL:
Protagonist arrives with a detuned seven string guitar and about 15 sound effects pedals.  Protagonist picks bottom string over and over again while shouting 'DIE!' at the dragon.  Dragon toasts the protagonist alive.  The killing of a non-musician makes the princess fall in love with the dragon.  Princess marries Dragon and becomes recognized as the Dragon Queen.

[BlitzkidMC]

  Haha some funny ass jokes!!

[tarkil]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

[Chrisbo]

Haha, good one man! I forgot about this thread, will need to find some dirty ones!