Random Jokes

[Assassin]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[lithium royalty]

lol

[minus_blindfold]

haha. pretty good assassin.

ill see my email. i might have some good uns

[Assassin]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband,

You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[minus_blindfold]

haha. good one.

this int too good but hey;

3 Bears

>A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
>Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
>looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
>he squeaks.
>
>Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
>into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
>porridge?!?" he roars.
>
>Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
>yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
>with you idiots?
>
>It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
>everything away.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
>the newspaper and coissants.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes,
>gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
>
>And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
>grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
>I'm only going to say this once....
>
>I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

[Chrisbo]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Hahaha! Good one

I people have had the same idea as me and googled jokes ( ), then no doubt the following ones will have showed up somewhere but ah well

***************************************************************************

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

****************************************************************************

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

****************************************************************************

A man walks into a pub and sits down, but before asking the barman for a beer he looks into his left shirt pocket. Each and every time he looks into the shirt pocket before asking for a beer, and he keeps doing this until the barmans curiosity gets the better of him.
"Why do you keep looking into your shirt pocket inbetween beers?"
"Well I've got a picture of my wife in there," he replies, "and I'm not going home until she looks good!"

[minus_blindfold]

u guys seen this. its not so much a joke but its kinda funny

http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf

[tarkil]

u guys seen this. its not so much a joke but its kinda funny

http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf

It's taken from Maddox website : http://maddox.xmission.com/

[minus_blindfold]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and

another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash.

"£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman





(Wait for it...........scroll down.)





























I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[minus_blindfold]

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but
unfortunately only four parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny
Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be
unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The
second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger,
George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America.
I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am
the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a
responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness'', there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

[Martin]

Hahaha I almost wish that last one happened for real hahha

[Chrisbo]

Hahaha good one!

Little Johnny jokes are great!


Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

************************************************************************

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend
assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, " It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?""

*************************************************************************

A teacher notices that a little Jonny at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.
"I did" he says, "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[minus_blindfold]

lmao
classic mate! karma kicks me thinks

[Chrisbo]

lmao
classic mate! karma kicks me thinks

Heh, thanks man! Karma kick for the Bush joke too!


Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

*****************************************************************


Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.
"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

*****************************************************************

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[minus_blindfold]

where have these 'little johhny' jokes been all my life?


Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.


Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'


'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'


Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.


The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.


Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'


Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:


'F*ck off you Red nosed C*nt!

[minus_blindfold]

i found this thread searching through google. rather than copying 5 pages for u to read, u can find a loada little johnny jokes HERE

[Chrisbo]

Aye! Well I got the ones I put down from here

http://www.aarons-jokes.com/little_jonny_jokes/index.mv?count=0&catagory_frm=12&sort_frm=

There's loads of sites you can find them from, hehe! Johnny, dirty little bastard!

[Vlad Drac]

Are you trying to seduce me? Put your shoes back on barbara! I haven't been into feet since back in 82.

[hydroponic82]

why did the chicken cross the road?





































to get to the otherside.

[Assassin]

Pure comedic GENIUS. Bravo Divad. Bravo.