Random Jokes

[tarkil]

how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.

I find it hilarious too...

[Assassin]

Seriously, why?

[tarkil]

    - How do you turn a dishwasher into a sweeper?




    - Give the bitch a broom!

Good one too... And also the tortoises one...

[tarkil]

Seriously, why?

It makes me laugh out loud. Hence it's hilarious.

[Assassin]

It makes me laugh out loud. Hence it's hilarious.

Yes I get that. But why does it make you laugh out loud? What's funny about it?

[minus_blindfold]

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby
came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the
baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed
glasses."


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.  While there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.  As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious
that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on
his arm and said, Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural.  I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid.  Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"  Clearing his
throat, he stammered ... Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.... that was me.

[minus_blindfold]

ok. i hope u like these.  i get them sent round all the time by email at work so if they are dump and u dont like dont blame me. if u do like boost my karma up! (BTW, is there any benefit having a high karma)

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed

couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to

abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first

week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep
we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able

to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it"

said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore

either..."

[Martin]

how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.

I find it hilarious too...

Me too haha someone posted that one the old board too.
Man, it's so, incredibly harsh and wrong hahaha

Also, nice ones minus_blindfold haha

[tarkil]

Ha ha ha... I knew the little Johnny one, but I fucking love it... Karma kick...

[minus_blindfold]

A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and.....

The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?"

The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."

He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"

"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."

"That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be
today?" says the bartender.

"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and
says, "What will you have?"

"I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich.

He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"

"Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat.

"That will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.

"Excuse me" the bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter
what
the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says
the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and
inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted
me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I
would have the exact change in my pocket".

"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of
money
What else did you ask for?"

The man sighs and responds "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"


A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger
in
the
Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl
the
same
question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked
one." St Peter says,"OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion
in the line
of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When
she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems
to be
the
rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."

[law]

I'll read them later, can't be arsed at the mo.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it. 

And this is better.

Why can't women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.


:D

[Martin]

Hahaha those were good!

[tarkil]

Friendship between the sexes


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[minus_blindfold]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

[Martin]

@ Tarkil: That made me laugh out loud! Haha Karmakick yo!

[tarkil]

Yeah, it's funny because it's so true...

[minus_blindfold]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"

[Martin]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!



A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

[Martin]

This man's laughter...honestly.

[tarkil]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"

Ha ha ha ha, I love this one...