Random Jokes

[Assassin]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"

Haha good one.

[hydroponic82]

make love not war.

respect.

[DeftonesATF27]

Make fuck not kill. - George Carlin

[minus_blindfold]

ok. this goes on for a bit! sorry

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. (=awesome)

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

[Martin]

Goes on for awhile it did yes. Haha.

[DeftonesATF27]

So she says to him, "well are you going to marry me?", and he says "NO! but thats a really nice ski mask."

[TheProzacFairy]

LMAO!!!  Joke of the day that was!

[tarkil]

I can't understand this one... I think I lack some english skills. Can someone explain please ?

[dtones04]

an outta the blue Dumb And Dumber quote, brilliant!!

[minus_blindfold]

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system. 

Simple Duties: 
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10
Social Engagements:  
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
Her Birthday:  
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar  +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
A Night Out With The Boys: 
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
A Night Out:  
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique: 
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" -800
The Big Question:  
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Communication:  
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20


shit: wrong thread. nevermind. its kinda funny

[minus_blindfold]

Two friends - a blonde and a redhead - are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap. My boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, 'You don't like getting flowers?'

The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, adore them but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.

The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'

[tarkil]

I love the 2 last ones...

[Martin]

Hahaha

[Chrisbo]

Who knows if these have popped up somewhere in here but what the hey...

Out on a pub crawl, a man is wandering through a local red light district when he spies a brothhel offering the best whores in town. Walking up to the front desk, he asks for the cheapest girl available and is led into a darkened room. There, he finds a woman lying on the bed, but as soon as he climbs on top and starts pumping she repeatedly spits in his eye. Furious, he sprints down to the front desk. "That bitch spat in my eye!" he screams at the receptionist. The woman behind the desk calmly turns around to a bunch of men playing cards. "Get to it boys. The corpse is full."


*******************************************

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. No matter what the husband does in bed however, his wife can't achieve orgasm, so he asks a therapist for advice. The therapist suggests: "Hire a strapping young man, and while you and your wife are making love, have him wave a towel over you both. Make sure he is naked and she can see his manhood. That will help her fantasise and should bring on an orgasm." So the older man hires a handsome young man to do just that, but the wife is still unsatisfied. The husband goes back to the therapist. "OK," the expert says, "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel." So they try it out. The wife soon has a screaming, room-shaking orgarsm. Smiling the husband taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly: "That's how you wave a bloody towel, sonny!"

********************************************

A family take their frail, elderly mother to live at an expensive nursing home, secure in the knowledge that she'll be well looked after. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at the window overlooking a lovely flower garden. After a while though, she starts to tilt slowly sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she begins to tilt over to her other side and the nurses once more rush over and put her back upright. This goes on all morning, until later the family arrive to see how their mother is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how are you getting on? Are they treating you alright?" "It's pretty nice," she replies, "Except they wont let me fart."

[minus_blindfold]

>Learn Chinese in 5 mins
>
>1) That's not right...............................Sum Ting Wong
>
>2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..............Hu Yu Hai Ding
>
>3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia
>
>4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Gai
>
>5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
>
>6) Did you go to the beach.....................Wai Yu So Tan
>
>7) I bumped the coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Ni
>
> I think you need a face lift....................Chin Tu Fat
>
>9) It's very dark in here........................Wai So Dim
>
>10) I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching
>
>11) This is a tow away zone......................No Pah King
>
>12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.........WaiYu Kum Nao
>
>13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
>
>14) He's cleaning his automobile...............Wa Shing Ka
>
>15) Your body odor is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu

[Martin]

HAHAHAHAH

[Jacob]

haha, that made me laugh out loud.

[Chrisbo]

Haha, yeah!

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the boy was doing, he asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth. "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

***************************************************************

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviews the rescuer's file and calls him into the office.
"Mr James," says the official, "your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didnt kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

***************************************************************

A police officer on a motorcycle pulls alongside a man driving around the M25 and flags him down. The policeman solemnly approaches the car.
"Sir, I'm sorry to tell you but your wife fell out of the car a mile back." he says.
"Oh, thank God," the man replies, "I thought I was going deaf."

***************************************************************

What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
-Forget it once

[tarkil]

ha ha ha, nice ones man.

[tarkil]

<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL