Random Jokes

[Assassin]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

ole!

Haha.

[law]

This is better though... I like this one a lot:

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

[fireflyry]

Love or Lust

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.

LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.

LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

[Assassin]

This is better though... I like this one a lot:

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Hahaha. Keep 'em coming.

[law]

this is a stupid one.

What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.

[Assassin]

Hahaha. I actually laughed out loud. How sad am I?

[law]

I deserve more Karma then haha

[Assassin]

Ok! There you go, a kung-fu karma kick right in the big balls.

[law]

hahaha savage cheers.

[Assassin]

No probs. Any more jokes?

[law]

Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

hahaha

[Assassin]

Laughing at your own jokes?

Haha!

[law]

If you ever meet me, you'll realise that I'm always laughing at something

[Assassin]

Oooh... Well that would be interesting... I'm the same, and it gets pretty fucking embarrassing sometimes... I always think of funny thoughts at the most inconvenient times... And stabbing my leg with a pen just makes it worse!

[Martin]

Hahah that made me laugh.
Guess I'm not much different then either

[law]

haha this is good one too.

What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

[Martin]

Hahaha

[Martin]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

[ToneDef]

^^^ Haha! That's good man.

[Mad Maynard]

    - How do you turn a dishwasher into a sweeper?




    - Give the bitch a broom!