Random Jokes

[tarkil]

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her,

"Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom,

"Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.



Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl,

"Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom,

"Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.



Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly,

"Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom,

"Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

[tarkil]

I love the 2 first ones...


Before the 2001 inauguration of George W. Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted tour" of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I too could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that indulgent."

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."
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Why do females talk more, and males think more?

Males have two heads and females have four lips.

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?


The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas tree?

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Assassin]

Hahaha.

[tarkil]

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

[ToneDef]

no that was DeftonesATF27, I just mentioned that I thought it was funny that i was the most smited.

Oh....my bad.

You're getting karma every day from now on for posting that. Hands down the funniest shit I seen in ages.

[Martin]

Hahahahahahahaha great topic!

[Assassin]

Yeah let's revive this shit.

Don't really know any good jokes. Or should I say dirty jokes?

[DeftonesATF27]

Get dirty girl.

[Assassin]

I don't know any! Ha can you believe that?

[DeftonesATF27]

Either do I. ITS ALL GOOD. somebody? anybody?

[Assassin]

Yeah I need a good laugh.

[Martin]

A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

the Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

at this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street.

the manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:

'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'

[Assassin]

Well it wasn't bad...

[tarkil]

Ha ha, same kind with a koala...

A Koala Bear goes on a curb-crawl and picks up a prostitute. They head back to a hotel room and proceed to get it on. After its all done the Koala hops out of bed and heads toward the door.

The Prostitute pipes up and says, "Hey Bear, where's my money?"

The Koala shrugs.

The Prostitute pulls the dictionary from the night stand, flips through the pages and points the the definition of prostitute, which reads, "prostitute: a person who performs sex for money."

The Koala plucks the book from her hands and flips through the pages and points to another definition, "koala bear: a marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

[Assassin]

Come on dudes, get the humour out.

[Jacob]

how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.

[Assassin]

Humour, not smut!

[Jacob]

I find that hilarious

[law]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

ole!

[Assassin]

I find that hilarious

I find the fact that I'm listening to I Am A Viking by Yngwie Malmsteen on repeat hilarious.