Bullshit Thread #7

[lostpilot]

OVEREXCITEMENT OMG

[blixa]

THIS IS JANDEK.

CAPSLOCK4LYFE WHEN IT'S JANDEK.

WHEN I WAS 16 I SENT HIM A VERY OLD NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE AND SOME PLANT SEEDS BECAUSE I HEARD HE LIKED GARDENING. I NEVER GOT ANYTHING BACK BECAUSE IT WAS JANDEK. A YEAR OR SO AGO I SENT HIM ANOTHER NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE (I THINK THIS WAS AN 80'S ISSUE) AND SOME MORE SEEDS AND HE NEVER RESPONDED AGAIN. BUT I SENT HIM A LETTER WITH THAT PACKAGE KIND OF PLEADING WITH HIM TO COME TO AUSTRALIA. I LITERALLY BEGGED AND I'M NOT ASHAMED. I WOULD HAVE SMEARED MY BLOOD ALL OVER THAT GODDAMN PAPER IF I HAD TO.

THIS IS MORE THAN EXCITEMENT FOR ME. SO MUCH MORE THAN EXCITEMENT.

[lostpilot]

wow, you could be borderline creepy at times

[blixa]

this isn't creepy at all. he's kept us more than an arms length away for so long. when he started doing unannounced shows in 2004 all us fans were "wtf?" but we had this mutual feeling of absolute happiness. if you know anything about jandek, you will understand why i'm this fucking...i can't even explain how i feel right now. honestly, this is a big deal because this deserves to be a big deal. for jandek to come to a country like australia just blows my mind. my mate was saying that he might read my letters on stage which i'm still laughing about. thinking about the letter i sent when i was 16 and the one i sent just after i turned 20, i have absolutely no shame in expressing just how much i admire him and his music.

i seriously am about to cry. this is such a cause for an over emotional response. you know when you're just brimming inside and you start to bawl your eyes out, and the shock of understanding just why you're crying makes it all the more beautiful.

[lostpilot]

well, I'm actually quite glad you're excited. I sure know how does it feel when a really appreciated artist comes somewhere near and you're able to experience the bliss of his/their music in armslength. I had those moments too

[blixa]

when that artist is an outsider musician, you pretty much expect to never get to see them play live for as long as you and they are alive.

if someone told me prior to 2004 that jandek was going to play live i would have spat on them and called them a liar.

[lostpilot]

well, you know, if someone couple of years ago told me I'd be seeing MONO live this year in Lithuania, I definitely would not have believed them. but I guess miracles happen

[blixa]

this is proof that god exists. not that i needed proof.

and hey, that guy from work that i was lusting after - totally has a girlfriend. i'm keeping my eyes to myself because that's how i roll. my morals are aging me.

[lostpilot]

be happy you have good manners and high morals. there are times when me and my brother are the only people in the room that think that doing something is just wrong.. our parents did put a lot in us. I remember this one time now, when this one chick was bragging about how she used to steal cigarettes from her work (gas station or something) daily, and she was like soooooooo proud of herself. me and my brother could not stand another word, so we changed the subject - then she started talking how she's awesome because she married this guy just for his money and big house. I believe just staring at my brother's eyes all the time she was speaking so proudly, and we were just like staring at each other with "WTF" in our eyes.

nonexistent values WIN

god, I miss my brother. I'm so glad I'll be seeing him this summer.

[blixa]

you should've been like, "bitch, please shut the fuck up!"

i used to steal a lot when i was in high school. got caught so that ended shit. i hate stealing now. i can't stand it.

my parents are both very conservative christians and i was brought up in a very tough and very diligent household. growing up, i started to form my own opinions and beliefs about things and now there is a lot that i don't see eye to eye about with my parents, which is good. they've fucked up sometimes in the way they brought me up, but i'm glad for it. knowing your parent's are not perfect people is something best learnt early in your life. the strength of my morals, beliefs, and ethics are definitely influenced by my folks even though we disagree on almost everything.

[lostpilot]

I remember this only time I stole some money from my classmate (it was, eh, 4th grade? so to say, I was like 10-11 years old), and his family accused me of stealing a lot more money (I stole a small amount of money, and  then was accused of stealing lifetime savings on their children). sometimes I meet this classmate somewhere in my city, I still get some intense guilt moments; even though I did not steal the savings. you know; if someone reminds you you're a "thief" for almost twelve years once in a month you kinda get overwhelmed by the guilt, though you didn't do shit.

It was a stupid situation. I can't remember why did I even steal the money. And I clearly remember how this one another classmate showed off all that money "he found". that was just fucking crazy, how none saw him as the thief. and still now sometimes when I meet the robbed classmate we almost get into a fistfight every time. I fucking hate him. I was trying to convince him that I was not the real thief anyway for years, and that I only had stolenthe small amount of money. from that very incident I am avoiding crime in any way as possible (well, maybe except abusing substances).



my parents are.. different. it's definitely not about religion (they're both open-minded "christians", though they raised me in "it's your life=your beliefs" manner), they just come from a very complex background. my mother had to give her life away (academic chances, chances of a better work and better future) cause my grandfather left her with a younger brother and a really sick mother when she was 18. she had to give it all away, my father had quite a similar story, how the army of Lithuania kept him away abroad, away from my mother (they were engaged for like five years, just cause the army kept my father away for different reasons all the time); so they never got to expand their horizons, get better education or something.

so me and my brother were raised in a very economically volatile household. we did not ever have much, we lived in a very bad neighborhood (most of the youngsters who were our friends are criminals now, roaming the jails, lol),  but my parents somehow managed to drag us further up, to give us a better chance at life than they had. I guess with all these difficulties in our past life we grew those high morals. and I'm glad I had this experience for almost 20 years in my life (we've been living a lot better couple of years now), I can appreciate family, friends, happiness, the real values.

thankfully I'm not shallow

edit: by the way, it's fucking retarded how now my grandfather (who fucked my mothers life up) is living with us now, all sick and stuff. I can't believe how much compassion does my mother have. he reeks of evil. he is fucking evil. he ruined her life and she's still looking after him

[blixa]

your mum sounds gold. maybe she see's her father differently to the way you see him. i think she's smart enough to understand the situation. plus i think she's the winner in all this. you should talk to her about it if you're mad about him being there. you have a right to be.

i don't know if i was meant to but i totally lol'd about your story. that kids parent's are complete tossers! i love how they tried to blame a 10 year old of stealing so much money. their stupidity is hilarious. also, you dress your guilt up. you got to let it run naked wildly into the night and hope it stays away, or if it were to visit you, it should come once or twice every five years.

i was reading that and seeing so much similarity to my family's background. i grew up dirt poor. we couldn't afford beds so we put four beds together (two my dad found on the street) and five people slept on that. my brother slept in the living room on a couch. the roof collapsed one night. it didn't kill him, but he woke up and he was covered in rubble and shock. it only got worse from there till it became alright around 95-96. we're not even middle class now. i still can't afford to get a car or a new lap top. i always feel guilty spending money on myself. it's terrible. i'm surrounded by people at uni whose parent's pay their rent, are paying for their degrees, and paid for their brand spanking new macbook and they call themselves independent. i started working before i could grasp the idea of what a job was. i have friends who work three jobs and do full-time uni. no one should have to do that. it's terrible.

i can see us having coffee and bonding over this shit.

[lostpilot]

yeah, lol.

but I really do believe that shit like that hardens you up. makes you "real".
I cannot imagine myself being what I am if, say, I was born in a rich family or something. different background, different people.

and I feel you about still being "lower class citizens". that's why I'm happy for me and my brother - he already ran away from this shithole (I keep calling my homeland this, lol); five years away, having a reasonably good life with good choices in life. I'll be doing the same thing soon. I wish my parents emigrated with me, cause I can see how they're slowly dying here. I wish all the best for them. and yes, they may be quite dysfunctional sometime (my father is unemployed for about a year now, having a lot of issues with not being "head of the family", slowly sinking into alcoholism and shit like that), but still I love them deeply, and I cannot imagine better parents than they were.

it's really weird how I always imagined Australia  to be a really rich country. though, how could I ever believe that - there's shit everywhere, right?

[blixa]

i completely agree with you. although, and i still haven't done this myself, you need to - at some point - think about yourself and your life and where you want to be. if it is you getting out of the hole you're in, that is what you have to do. i think you'll weigh yourself down by thinking too much about your parents situation.

in australia, you're defined by what area you live in. you see it in every state. sydney is the worst. it is my very own 'shithole' hahaha.

[lostpilot]

that's what I'm trying to do nowadays (thinking about my own needs and my own life). cause I really want to continue my musicianship and try to live off that (my somewhat ideal vision of future - having a part-time job somewhere (just cause I don't want to get too lazy anyway) and earning money from my music (enough to fulfill my daily needs)). where do you see yourself in five years?

[blixa]

i don't plan. the only thing that is definite is that i'll be 28 in five years time. and not living in sydney. and i won't be economically comfortable hahaha. that is a given.

[lostpilot]

but like - is there some special career you're going for, or are just living by the day?

[blixa]

when i was in high school i wanted to be an animal activist and still do my performance art on the side, but if i had to choose i would've been a full-time animal activist. then i discovered photography and decided that photography was IT. i'd always done it but never viewed it as something i would do as a career. i write a lot.

i swear, i don't care what i do. i'll always be making photographic work. i don't care if no one gets to see it. i have no problem with being the female version of harry callahan. he's been a big inspiration for me. i just want to be happy and i've never been concerned with earning shitloads of cash because i don't know what that feels like so i'm not going to aspire to it.

i want some cats, a man who respects me and loves me and is willing to cook a lot of the time.

and if it's worth anything, i think you're an extremely talented musician. i have very special taste in music too so for me to think that is an honour for you hahahaha.

[lostpilot]

why thank you!

I'm trying my best, though it is quite an excruciating process filled with doubt.
I'm half-way through 'Constellations' now, and I'm having my doubts already if I ever want to release this album. At times those songs seem like  the best ones I've ever written, but at the same time I hate everything I create, because I still feel it lacks.. something. At this point I hate the fact that I am incapable of professional production - which gets in a way a lot. I want my music to have the perfect sound, but I do not have the capabilities of making that happen.

It's kinda easier with my ambient works though. And I enjoy making those more, I decided to make the fourth part of 'Dreams' yesterday, just because well, I do enjoy creating ambient music, and I think I am quite good at it. I was thinking about writing a book which would be generally called 'Dreams', and would be somewhat philosophical trippy insight into my dreams and subconscious in general. since there will be four parts to the 'Dreams' series, I'm thinking four parts of the book.  but it's all in the plans anyway, and I have a lot of plans. there are like four albums planned at this moment, and I have no time to finish 'Constellations' anyway.

I was wondering, what's your opinion of appreciating your own art? I mean, like, in terms of appreciation - CAN you (in other words, are you allowed to) enjoy the art you created? of course, there's always an element of self-study, but there are times when I just enjoy my own music as I enjoy the music by other artists. and then after some time I feel weird, cause I'm not sure if "I'm allowed" to enjoy my own music.

[devilinside]

I'm stuck in a music rut....recommendations anyone?