My Early Years

[bloody]

'You know me better than I do myself? Are you absolutely sure?'

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Constant accusations. You feel persecuted. That's the worst feeling in the world.

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[bloody]

I was the closest thing to being institutionalized without actually being institutionalized for a decade. Mostly because I would rather be there than work. Towards the end of that period, I was put on a shot, and I was in and out of psych wards from the stress of degradation, and pressures to work, when I had to quit a job due to manual labor adding stress to my body, which affected my mind, which I almost never recovered from, and I spent the next couple years basically bed-ridden to avoid hallucinating.

To make matters worse, I was persecuted for being ill, making everything worse and more personal.

I'm so glad to be on my own now. And have had minimal problems ever since I was granted independence.

[bloody]

Those two years I was bed-ridden I had caught the flu and couldn't keep my pills down and I was put on an experimental intramuscular shot, which my doctor insisted was the best thing for me. I hallucinated every other day all day, with visual hallucinations, and extreme lucid dreams. The shots would put me asleep for an entire week and would cause extreme arm aches for days, once a month, when I received them. The rest of the time, I slept to avoid seeing things and panicking. Just to tell you how dumb the system is, if a doctor insists on bad medication, I finally had enough and begged for something new in pill form, was given another shot, and I talked to the nurse to talk to my doctor, and I got what I wanted, and I miraculously got better within two months.

[bloody]

The doctor told me that shot was the Cadillac of medicines, and he needed to track me to report back to the company.

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For two years I was in a living hell, all because he wouldn't listen. And thanks to that nurse, upon my insistence, I received the medication I wanted, and made an almost complete recovery almost instantly.

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Those two years of persecution, hallucinations, and lucid dreams were amid my most creative time ever, ironically. I think I was fighting for my life, and that's why I was so creative.

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I don't think anyone ever knew my struggles... I just let the art speak for itself. <3

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But I can tell you that low lows often lead to serenity... between the storms, I had some very tranquil, transcendent experiences.

But my art captured most anything.

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God, I had made this thread 'My Early Years' because I wanted to forget everything else, lol

[boogabear123]

I've had a complete opposite problem in my life. It wasn't that I couldn't avoid sleep.

I never sleep.
I am a pure insomniac and have been for like 12 years.
And the flow of ideas is a constant stream for me especially on my no sleep binges that I can't even prevent, even with medications I can't stop it.
And I rarely have days where I don't feel extreme pain in my stomach. Or horrid migraines. Or mood switches that make no sense and confuse me, like I don't know myself. I don't know myself but I know my art, and my creative instinct. Because I find myself up dead in the AM hours, going through art, new music, and listening to people speak philosophically, and I am constantly filling my tired mind with ideas to put forth with the guitars that surround me, and the sketchbooks I draw in.
I am a never ending stream of creativity and only I see what I make, I have never shown anybody what happens when  I don't get shut eye for over 48 hours.
And that problem, with people telling you how you feel, how you think, what you should do. People who can't actually be in your head but tell you what is in there, I never believed them, but I am surrounded by psychiatrists and doctors almost every day, stuck in conference rooms. I am some 'patient' that they don't even know what they are doing with.
I've never believed anything anyone has told me. I feel how I think I should feel. I say what I know I need to say. I am not happy with myself, I don't have confidence with my character, but I hold confidence in what I create, that's what makes my character. I show my personality through my pens and sounds.

And to get back to you on those two pictures.
The beast of a man, chained to the rock, being picked at by the crow, is a more comfortable feeling, than giving someone your heart and trusting, and hoping they don't tear it apart. Because at least the chained main knows exactly how screwed he is. 
Though, I would like you to give me insight on why one has an angels wings and the other has a set of butterfly wings. I can't form an opinion on that part of the painting.

[bloody]

Though, I would like you to give me insight on why one has an angels wings and the other has a set of butterfly wings. I can't form an opinion on that part of the painting.

First, let me thank you for sharing your struggles. Though I wouldn't wish that on anyone, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with struggles. Often I think too much of myself, and forget others have similar or worse conditions. And that, tells me, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that bad off. Sincerely, I hope you find ways to cope and stay positive, if anything helps.

As for the question, the one with butterfly wings is Psyche. She received those wings when she became immortal, as if given a new name, and symbol of her own, but more importantly, as a caterpillar to butterfly shows, symbolizes 'change' or 'morphing into something beautiful' as is the goal of the human soul, to become more like God. Psyche represents the 'soul' and hence she was married to Love, Cupid. Cupid has wings because Love can lift you up, and you often get glimpses of 'intense momentary sentiments' as if flying and swooping. If anything, his wings are to show that Love can cause one to 'soar' and 'flit about.'

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As for how I relate to Psyche, I received a new name, in that I connected with 'being.' After the fall, my dad told me I was just having fun, but maybe didn't know it was to be the center of my 'identity.' I now know that 'Life' is more my identity, and those 'butterfly wings of being' allow me to fly in life. That's how the soul transforms into the image of God, by reflecting upon Life.

[bloody]

This song helped me a lot in the past, thought I'd share it.

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[boogabear123]

Though, I would like you to give me insight on why one has an angels wings and the other has a set of butterfly wings. I can't form an opinion on that part of the painting.

First, let me thank you for sharing your struggles. Though I wouldn't wish that on anyone, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with struggles. Often I think too much of myself, and forget others have similar or worse conditions. And that, tells me, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that bad off. Sincerely, I hope you find ways to cope and stay positive, if anything helps.

Thank you for that answer, most people I meet are so worried with trying to help me when I open up on something, or they are afraid to say anything. When really I am not looking for an answer from someone about my problems, but I just want someone to relate in one way or another. You didn't make my problem your problem, you only gave me some empathy and I am more than alright with that 

I think I am viewing the art differently than you are. Probably because I don't know the back stories of them, and we both have different life situations. You seem to have a connection with religion in a way, and even though I'm not the most religious of people, I do like to hear about others faiths as I always keep an open mind and religion interests me solely because it strikes my curious itch.

I have a bit of a question then. What do you believe is sinning? What is sin to you? What's the difference between enjoying life and making mistakes for you? Just trying to strike up a little conversation, you seem like a wordy fellow   

[bloody]

I have a bit of a question then. What do you believe is sinning? What is sin to you? What's the difference between enjoying life and making mistakes for you? Just trying to strike up a little conversation, you seem like a wordy fellow   

Wow, those are some deep questions. First, I believe sin is a societal standard, and not so much a phenomenon in nature. Nature is perfect in and of itself, in that everything is perfectly what it is. Even the most sinful person is still perfectly human, doing what humans may or may not do at times. As for what sin is to me, I would say 'hurting others or yourself.' or 'preventing others from enjoying life.' And even that's mostly a problem when it's continual, or unrestrained, or unlikely to change. The difference between enjoying life and making mistakes is that mistakes are often harmful, which can halt the enjoyment of life, but i also believe everything can work for the good if you learn or grow from it, and become better or stronger from it. Again, it's continual mistakes, or the likeliness that they'll continue, that raises a flag for me. Hope that fills you in on my views, but i'm more of a gray area thinker, in that people act like people, and are perfect humans regardless, and it's us that have to adapt to survive... or enjoy life.

[bloody]

I'm more of a free thinker than 'religious.' In fact, i'm more of a humanist. It just happens part of the human condition is found in seeking a higher power for insight, or a higher nature for a better life... that's how i sometimes get mistaken as religious.

[bloody]

Pardon, I often throw convention out the window... and don't realize it could make people uncomfortable.

[bloody]

I'm king of the world!!