My Early Years

[hypnotoad]

We actually celebrated my 6th birthday with my grandpa during that visit. And the main reason I think I was 6 when I fell with the arrowhead.

[hypnotoad]

Ok, I keep coming back for one of two reasons... I have more to say, or 'i don't want to leave this way'

this time it's more along the lines of 'I have more to say'

anyways, on to it...

When I was in Kindergarten, my grandpa came to visit my dad and I during spring break, or at least I'm pretty sure it was spring break. During his visit, we all took a trip to Cherokee Rock. I remember two very specific things. We were walking the trails, and came to a cliff face with a fence guarding the edge. I asked my dad why there was a fence there and he told me it was there to keep people from falling off, and that specifically kids might not know any better and may think it's a game, and I asked why would they do that, and he said because they might not know they'd get hurt. Later on we visited the gift shop and my dad told me to pick out something, anything, that struck my fancy. I looked around and eventually made up my mind that I wanted an arrowhead. I was very enthusiastic but my dad said 'No,' and when I asked why, he told me 'Because they're not toys.' He and grandpa then directed me over to the toy tomahawks and said 'how about one of these?' He then told me that they were for warriors, and even what scalping was, and when I asked why you'd want a scalp he said that the scalps were trophies. After that, I warmed to the idea of that as a toy, and chose that for the one gift I was afforded.

So, I think the arrowhead I fell with was actually supposed to be a birthday present upon my wishes.

[hypnotoad]

One day, not too long after the fall, my dad and I met a man at the apartments. He introduced himself, and asked me specifically how I was doing. I told him I was enjoying the woods and nature, how beautiful it all is, and how great it is to be alive. He looked at me intently and said, 'You're a smart kid. Who taught you that?' and I showed him the scar, and told him I had learned it from that, and that I had fallen. But, before I could go much further, my dad told me to hush, and that I should keep that to myself.

I never really talked about it after that, except for when my mom came to visit and asked me how I got so smart, and I told her something similar. Right then she gave my dad a worried look... but maybe she forgot I was a daredevil. 

[hypnotoad]

I just started reading 'Brave New World' for the first time...

I see why my friends suggested it to me. It's focused on one of my main struggles over the years: wanting to be my own 'individual.' XD

I now see how I broke the mold in so many ways. It's what I set out to do, but didn't realize I'd achieved it until now.

This is so good.

[hypnotoad]

Suddenly, I've lost interest in wanting to prove myself, lol

[hypnotoad]

I grew up afraid of being alone, and would hurt myself when alone, so single player games make me want to jump out the window.

I never knew I had those problems, until i thought over why I rage at being ignored. 

But just knowing can help me face those fears. 

[hypnotoad]

I get claustrophobic when alone, but music and books are a real life saver. A real voice is so OP. 

[hypnotoad]

I get claustrophobic alone, but I'm hardwired with a flight response. 

[hypnotoad]

Looking back at my developmental mindset, headbanging really was Morse Code for 'help.'
! No longer available

[hypnotoad]

I share in the most terrifying way so you can get an idea of what ignoring and being trapped alone makes me feel inside.

[hypnotoad]

Nearly impossible for me to cope with certain things, as hardwired as I am. Movies, single player games, closed in spaces, ignoring, being left alone, all scare me immensely, and cause a fight or flight response.

Taking action has always made me feel better, whether confronting or giving up, both still actions that calm me down.

[hypnotoad]

Hearing real voices on the radio and in books has literally helped out of a lot of sticky situations :')

[hypnotoad]

I don't want to get political or anything, but division of power is important...

In a similar vein, people putting their own spin on things is a godsend, it keeps us together, but ourselves at the same time.

[hypnotoad]

I have a lot of good stances on making things your own while sticking together...

First and foremost, Life is the boss.

[hypnotoad]

On a side note, equally as important, is nature and man. Using nature against itself is the oldest trick in the book. Nature is often predictable, and that's why the prior concept is so viable.

Know your enemy is all I'm saying.