Medical Issues/My Story

[Lucky_Me]

Guys, can I please get your opinion on something I'm going through quite a lot at this moment, both in a positive and negative sense, and I would very much appriciate it if you would help me out with a few things or at least share your thoughts with me.

In a positive sense:
Ever since my psycho ex has left me, I've become so much of a better person: I've grown from his 'surrogate mommy' to an independent, classy, well-groomed lady. Thursday, I'm going for a traineeship interview at the Dutch Royal Theater and I'll also be having one with for famous orchestra and a club venue that might once host Deftones. I've made some major lifestyle changes, e.g. that I've cut down on soda and snacks, taking vitamin supplements, I'm starting to try new foods again and I've finally mustered the courage to go see a physiotherapist again. I wish I could live an active life, besides healthy, so I'm working on it now. On the other hand, I also found out that I couldn't live without my few extra pounds. (I <3 pot bellies, haha.)

Being less stressed and having overcome quite a bunch of fears makes me feel great, but finally making friends is even making me feel better. My ex is not keeping me home anymore, so I am now free to visit them, buy myself lunch, go into town and enjoy the attention I get from guys. I'm treating myself like the Queen of Sheba and like my French teacher once said: it makes other people do the same. On a more serious note: I'm finally able to move on in my grieving process about Chi. I was stuck in denial, but the last few weeks, I've been moving on from depression to possible acceptance. It's quite something, considering I've lost quite a few relatives in the past few years. It does feel like a huge liberation, posting this on SL. In November, I'm going to get a silhout of him portrayed on my shoulder. It feels good to finally be taking that step. Also, it feels good not to have that lazy-ass idiot in my house anymore. I feel so free, happy, relaxed and super attractive right now.  Seriously, my heart has broken and healed during the process of being with him. The ring I sold for beauty products, haha.

On the rather negative/blurry side:

This is more difficult for me, because I'm not a natural pessimist... I'm going to see a neurologist for a second (umpteenth) opinion, because I have been having this (fairly light) physical disability since my childhood and they still haven't found out what's wrong with me. Especially those who say: 'Just be glad you're fine!', I want them to experience what I've been through. Gross motor issues, disturbance of the equillibrium, horrible coordination, painful muscle cramps/spasms, seizures, black-outs... I'm not fine, they just haven't found out what's wrong yet. I've always been oversensitive to flashing lights, but because I knew, I could cover my eyes at gigs and I'd be fine. Until the day my classmates had to put a stroboscope at the party I had to attend (for a project) and they just had to make me guard the gaming corner... ugh. Needless to say that all I can remember, was what my ex told me afterwards. They were also mad at me for not staying at the party until the end. 

It all looks like a clear diagnosis, but so far, no doctor has been able to find it yet. That's the most frustrating thing I've ever been through, because blacking out at almost every video game is not 'a panic attack', especially not as my heart and oxygen were absolutely fine... My GM luckily agreed with me and he gave me a strong muscle relaxer (diazepam 2 mg), which turns out to be very addictive and frequent use might cause... seizures! Yay me!  So I can only take those pills in emergency cases and before gigs. If I'll be allowed to still be going to gigs, of course.  So far, I have only gotten opposing answers from doctors so far, but luckily, the shrinks haven't found anything either. They're not going to make me believe I'm stressed, because that would make me, ehh... stressed. Stress may be addictive, but I've already gone through the cold turkey. 

Long story short: happy, fairly healthy woman with a physical impairment is seen for a hysterical hag. Unfortunately, scrubs (and the people who come in them) are the only thing to make me panic, besides educational failure. I'm sorry for the long post, haha. I just needed to relieve my feelings and I'd like to read your reactions on my story. Feel free to tell yours, too. 

[Amesaquz]

Wow really? Cause I'm lucky. I may have never seen it.

[An bád dubh]

Thanks for sharing. Without knowing anything more about you than that post: Its not easy to share something like that. Its also not easy to move on from relationships or to change one's lifestyle to a more active one, nice that you are doing well and trying. I hope you find out whats wrong with you physically. It can be relieving to know whats wrong, to find something that explains many things which have happened in one's life. Wishing you all the best.